Top Story: 13. February 2008

Three Loves of a Japanese Woman

Since ancient times, Japanese women have been raising their children and taking care of their family with outmost dedication. What makes Japanese women so famous of their discreet social skills as well as reputation of being the world’s best wives?

This question has been asked many times, even by famous authors such as Lafcadio Hearn.
Japanese women are said to have three loves in their lives. The love for her ancestors, love for her parents, and only as a third, comes love for husband and her own family.

This is something very interesting, because in West, young women are taught to love their own husbands and children as a priority, as well as head their thinking and wishes to the future.

In Japan, the duty to one’s parents and respecting their heritage and teachings is still more important than pleasure of having one’s own, independent family. Often when marrying their husband, young women face chaos which emerges from the realization that they are separate beings from their family and ancestors.

This was well dealt in Yasujiro Ozu’s movie Banshun (Early Spring) which told story of young Noriko who’s father decides that it’s time for her to have her own life, fearing that she misses happiness of her own life while taking care of him.

This must have something to do with concept of ego and self. Only from Taisho period (1912-1926) Japanese have started to bear their own ego and consider themselves as individuals related to their ancestors or family.

Still, many Japanese women live with their parents until marriage and never experience living alone. Often, there is no problem, and the transition to an independent life flows naturally.

But then, sometimes I hear stories about women who move back to their parents house even if the circumstances in the new home would be ideal. To their husbands they might say something like “I just need time to be alone”.

Just recently, a friend of mine complained because his newlywed wife moved back to her mother’s house during her pregnancy and he is left alone to work in Tokyo.

Also, it is not uncommon for young women to send money to their parents after starting work, even if her parents would do well financially. Often, they say that they are paying back the money to their parents which they used for university tuitions, but I never heard their parents making such request.

Japanese women generally seem to feel themselves as not individuals, but as beings permanently attached to their lineage of ancestors and roots. The bond of family is very strong in Japan, and the will of their parents is almost always stronger for them than their own.

At the end, Japanese women will obey their parents wishes more strongly than their husband’s wishes. They seem to feel that acting otherwise would cause their life to go into chaos. And this doesn’t seem to change when they get older.
Rather than being a mere display of gratitude for their parents or attempt to conform into social consencus, I sense genuine love and respect when I hear Japanese women talking about their parents. I cannot heard such words from foreigners so often.

In Ozu’s Banshun, the daughter Noriko feels her life with her father is perfectly fullfilling, and she cannot understand her father’s good attempt to get her married. In the end, she decides to accept the arranged marriage pretty much because she is left with no another choice. In the wedding dress, she glances her father, tears in her eyes.
There is certainly some “giri”, a sense of responsibility in this.

It goes without saying that too much sense of responsibility is no good for one’s life, however. In this sense, I can agree that some of the western influence is not so bad, as nowadays women in Japan can live their lives more naturally as they can more freely take steps towards their own kind of future.

Nevertheless, the three loves of Japanese women or their order are unlikely to change anytime soon.

So, if you plan to marry Japanese woman, you might keep this in mind, and perhaps, start to call your mother more often?

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